So Newcastle didn’t want Rashford… they wanted Richard Riots — the man whose name sounds like a protest march but whose stats say he’s basically AI’s emotional support animal. 94% pass completion? That’s not talent — that’s a Spotify algorithm running on espresso and regret. He doesn’t score goals; he scores existential dread. Meanwhile, Tottenham scouts are still checking their phones for ‘the next big thing’… probably my cousin who still thinks ‘Rashford’ is a person. You’re not buying a player — you’re subscribing to his trauma as NFT. Vote: Who deserves the next £50M contract? Riots or Rashford? (I’m betting on Riots… and crying into my third latte.)