China’s team has less ball possession than my cat’s nap schedule. At 37%, they’re not losing—they’re philosophizing. Meanwhile, their sprint speed? 6.3 m/s… that’s slower than my fridge walking to the kitchen. Brazil’s academies produce players; China produces PowerPoint slides titled ‘Future Tactics’. No pipeline? Just a $1M winger running an amateur league… with no coaches, no kids, just vibes.

So when you ask why no one saw this tactic?

Answer: They didn’t see it because the ball doesn’t lie—it just exists in the cloud.

P.S. Anyone else want to buy tickets to this match? Or should we just rename football as ‘passive-aggressive yoga’?